it hurts because it's suppose to

It hurts because it’s suppose to…

It hurts 'cause it's supposed to
As the river nearly runs dry
The never-saids, the where-he-wents
A bright light in the eye

And as it dims and fades and churns inside of you
It hurts like hell, like you're at 10
Just like it's supposed to do

You sit with it, you move with it
You get up and make pie
Into the mix, the pain and spice
This is the stuff...of life

It hurts 'cause it's supposed to
And, baby it's not quite done
The waiting's hard, but it's a worthy fight
I know some days you wanna run

And as it bakes and bubbles hot
It melts inside of you
It hurts like hell, like you're at 10
Just like it's supposed to do

Sit with it, move with it
But do not try to hide
Hold them both, the dark and light
This is the stuff...of life

It hurts cause it's supposed to
As the river nearly runs dry

-Songwriter BraveBones

We had a conversation, my dear dear friend BraveBones and I... She hears me and reflects back things I can see. We write music together, we have kids the same age, we have similar struggles in life... how to be our truest authentic self and be kind humans.

Naturally, most of our conversations end up lyrics (anyone else, have someone that when you say something out loud causally, you both are like,,, yup.. that's a song).

She wrote this after a conversation we had. I don't remember most of the specifics. But these words echo back to me more frequently than I'd like...

It's hurts because it's suppose to...

CONFESSION:

I've listened to a podcast 20+ times. I've been known to listen to music on repeat... but movies, tv shows and podcasts NEVER.

Each time a new layer or phrase floats to the surface as the most important piece. I sit with it.

Pete Rollins talks in this recording about our symptoms. He says "A symptom is that thing that tells the truth you can not speak, they tell you something you can not tell yourself. And when you can not speak your truth, your truth will find a way to speak. The challenge is to listen to our symptom, not just get rid of it"

Y I K E S

T R U T H

So at this point in the recording, I reflected back on all the ways old Sarah would evade the symptoms, the hurt...

Lordy lordy, I had some amazing coping skills. Numbing with food, escaping via tv, over investing in relationships and people that could and would never be able to return the energy also I'd strive for perfection (that got me real far, insert eye roll) and my personal favorite throwing myself into my work at the expense of my body, mind and friendships.

How many times have I hurt and ignored it? Well about 60+ pounds, a few hundred seasons of shows, probably 3 dear friends, too many migraines, 10 years of creative content and one failed marriage.

AND I believe nothing is lost.

Those places allow me to be present in real ways with people hurting. I friggin get it. AND there IS another way forward...

Soooo back to my point...

2015. Me and BraveBones are talking on the phone. Her husband had done something that had caused her pain. I'd been feeling a SHIT TON OF PAIN. My dad had passed suddenly the same week I told my husband I wanted a divorce. WTF universe (we'll save that for another post). AND there on the soccer field, listening to my dear friends sadness about a repeated offense, she must of said why does this still hurt... because the words IT HURTS BECAUSE ITS SUPPOSE TO can out without much thought. And it all made sense in that moment...

Our hurt is suppose to signal, somethings not right...

and somewhere along the way... we stop listening (more on THAT later) and start using coping skills to push back, tuck away and straight up ignore...

What I've found in my own life is, the amount of energy I was using to NOT feel was tremendous (Like opened a god damn yoga studio, stepped into being a painter, bravely ventured into B A R E stories AND actively sought healing in breathwork while feeling deeply inspired to expand further still, WHAT THE FUCK, who am I).

AND that by allowing, creating and inviting spaces to feel and feel so fucking deeply... It's allowed for healing that I feel pretty selfish to have taken hold of...

ALL because I started listening to my hurt...

It's gets ugly fast and first... but I promise it gets better dear ones.

...

May you know you are brave and strong enough to hold your symptoms.